I already wrote a short bit in Norwegian but that doesn’t fulfil the word requirement I have set for myself, so here’s another post to make up for it.
I had started a post a few hours back but it had quickly entered into the dangerous, depressing territory of global events and how they depress me. I’m already depressed today so I don’t need any more of that. What I’m going to do now is to fix it by writing about happy, positive things that are surely going to come into my life. And if I’m up to it, I can also pen down (type down) some of the more exotic thoughts I have, that all people have and think of as something special that should be shared with others but can’t be because no one else could possible understand them. And that’s true in a way. No one else feels exactly how you feel and emotions strongly tint our interpretations of thoughts.
But coming back to the positive and happy thoughts. Yesterday was Engineer’s Day in India. My dad’s an engineer, and I’ve been trying (reluctantly, recalcitrantly, unsuccessfully) to become one for five years now. I think that Engineer’s Day bit is what depressed me today more than anything else I can think of, because I can’t really think of anything else. Why? Because I’ve never identified as an engineer for some reason. I’ve always been decent (dare I say good?) at maths and science and I even like them a bit. I can’t say for sure what turned me off the whole thing but the reason that strikes me as being the most relevant is the competition. India has a lot of competition for engineering studies. In my personal opinion, it gets really ugly. It was in my school, at least. Kids would sit at the back of the class solving questions to prepare for the entrance examinations. Some of them even did it during the recess. I could never do that. I didn’t even do it at home, when I was supposed to.
Alright, enough of that. Yeah, I didn’t do what I was supposed to and it doesn’t matter who or what was to blame for it. I am here now, I have the same brain and I have the understanding, however meagre and coloured with anger, of what went wrong before. I am going to use all this that I have to become something better for the future. I am going to give the exams for my 7th semester and then the GATE. I will not feel miserable and depressed and yes, I may not have direct control over how I feel but I have some indirect means of influencing myself. That meditation course I did has made me realise this. Already as I write this I’m feeling a little better. I may not start studying immediately after I’m done with this blog but I will try.
Until tomorrow, then.
(And I’m still going to keep learning Norwegian so tomorrow I might post two blogs again, one in English and one in Norwegian.)